The All Mari-joo-wana Team

Can You Name This Plant, Mickey?

By now we’ve all heard the plight of the greatest swimmer on the planet, Michael Phelps. I believe it went something like this: A college party at the University of South Carolina, a youngster is tokin’ on the bong, can’t figure out who to pass it to next when he buddy shouts, “Hey! Pass it to Mickey. Mickey likes anything!” Click. An embarassing photo ends up published in a British tabloid.

Mr. Phelps’ recent encounter with the ganja got me to thinking. Steroids (A-Rod) and cocaine (Jamal Anderson) are getting all the pubilicity. The wacky weed is not getting it’s due. It’s the staple of all drugs. Without the grass, you can’t even graduate to those other drugs, for crying out loud.

So in honor of the chronic, I present to you the All Mari-joo-wana team:

Michael Phelps: Just a newbie to the game. He’s still in the bong phase.

J.R. Rider: Has the distinction of being the only NBA player I know that smoked his way out of the league. Do you know how hard that is? I could write an entire column on NBA players and ganja, and I would still be listing players well into the next century. Seriously. How do you get busted so many times for firing up the reefer that no NBA teams will take another chance on you?

Michael Vick: Yep, that Michael Vick. I know, he’s more infamous now for his wonderful pet ownership skills. But before the dogs, came a run-in at an Atlanta airport that involved a TSA official, a water bottle with a screw-off bottom and a dime bag. Great part here is that he was boarding a JetBlue plane, which was a company he had an endorsement with at the time. In his defense of the hash ownership, he somehow managed to throw JetBlue under the bus. He lost his endorsement. I’m sure that lost cash is what drove him into dogfighting, right?

1998 Mets: There was Tony Tarasco smokin’ it in his hotel room (What? No smoke alarms in that hotel?) with starting pitcher Mark Corey. Corey took a hit and promptly went into a seizure. Wait, I thought marijuana was a healing drug? Soon after, relief pitcher Grant Roberts laid the foundation for Phelps, by having his own embarrassing bong picture plastered all over the media.

Any X-Games Participant: Show me an X-gamer that hasn’t taken a puff on the chronic, and I’ll show you proof that aliens are living in Roswell. Uh, not that I would know or anything….

And finally, the captain of the team…

Nate Newton: Ladies and Gentleman, big Nate not only smoked the doobie, but he loved it so much he wanted to share it with the whole world. Even more embarassing than being stripped at the 1-yard line by Steve Tasker, Nate was busted smuggling 213 pounds of the leafy plant in the back of his van. Reefer Newton was immediately awarded the vaunted “C” for captain to display proudly on his mari-joo-wana uniform. Unlike the others on the team who were only charged with minor misdemeanors, Nate took it to a whole new level. For that, we salute him.

So did the Texas penal system, where he served 5-years for the offense.

Jeremy recently won the 2008 Fantasy Sports Writers Association award for Best Humor Article of the Year. His work can be seen daily here on this blog. You can also find him plying his trade for one of the top fantasy football sites, The Fantasy Football Trader, which can be found in the blogroll section to your right. If you would like him to write for you, please contact him by going to the “About” page in the top header.