Chad being Chad being Ocho being 8 and 5…And I LOVE it!

By now you all have seen Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco 8 & 5 kick the game winning extra point and subsequent kickoff last Thursday in New England.  For those of you who haven’t, go ahead and click play to view it.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  It’s worth it.

Waiting…..waiting….done?  Alright.

Any of you who follow my work on Fantasy Fooball Trader (Thanks.  Word to ya mutha!) know that I LOVE Ocho.  I actually have taken to referring to him as the conductor on the “Train to Crazyville”.  That’s exactly what he is.  For a guy like me who lives to write sports humor, it doesn’t get any better than Ocho.  It’s not the ridiculousness he can pull on the field either.  Any schmo who can catch a football in the end zone (guess that rules you out Braylon Edwards) can do that.

No.  It’s the inate ability that only a few possess to take that ridiculousness to the higher level. 

In this case, it’s the post game interview that Ocho “conducted” at his locker (where he usually does his best work I might add).  He’s asked about the kick, wherein he launches into a diatribe about being a huge soccer lover, picks up his iPhone and begins thumbing through pics of him and soccer greats, showing them to the media.  But separated in between the soccer picks are Ocho and the Hoochies. 

And this is where his greatness lies.  Most other mortals would’ve either not shown those particular pictures until they could be relocated into a file separate from the hoochie pics, or they would have flown through them at break-neck speed so the camera couldn’t get a good shot.  But does our favorite conductor go that route?  Not in  million freaking years, baby!  He politely issues the “you’re going to have to excuse the girl pictures” to the media, then rolls through them like he’s trolling Miami Beach in his custom Bentley. 

All other pseudo wide-receiver divas take note:  That’s how it’s done!

The transcendence that follows can only be done by our favorite conductor.  Warning:  please don’t try this at home, Ocho is a professional.

He puts the finishing touches on the interview by stating that kicking is like riding off a bike to him; then backs it up with a “like losing my virginity” reference.  Unbelievable.  Losing his virginity, riding a bike and kicking an NFL field goal all on the same exact level.  Like the Commodores sang:  “It’s easy like Sunday morning”.

Classic Ocho Johnson 8 & 5.  God, I’m glad to see the NFL back!

Beltre of the Ball(less)

Cups aren't just for drinking out of

There once was a man from Nantucket.  Who had a….nevermind.   That’s the wrong limerick, wrong appendage and not at all appropriate for public consumption.  However; for one particular third baseman playing in the “Emerald City”, wearing a cup at the hot corner wasn’t for his consumption either.

Now he’s lost a family jewel.  And I’m not talking about grandma’s ruby ring.

Seattle third baseman Adrian Beltre eschews wearing a protective cup, eventhough he plays a position where only the pitcher is closer to the hitter.  Considering that a normal fastball heads toward the hitter at 90mph or higher, only to return to the field of play off a bat at well over 100mph, Beltre’s cupless decision doesn’t exactly make him the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Placing Beltre’s overall intelligence about the well-being of his personal balls aside, not protecting ”the boys” finally caught up to him this week. 

To put this delicately (something the batted ball had no interest in), Beltre was, how shall I say this…”clipped” (snipped?) in the man region with a shot during Wednesday’s game.  He has had to be placed on the 15-day DL since.  There was some mention of tearing and internal bleeding (cue groaning from every male reading this), but let’s not dwell on that.  Apparently Beltre will avoid surgery.  Well, I guess that’s something! 

To be fair, if I had taken a 100+mph shot to the nether world, I’d be on the shelf a LOT longer than 15 days.  More like a lifetime.  I’d probably just crawl off the field and never return.  So kudos to Beltre there.

But beyond costing his team his services for two weeks, Beltre’s decision to leave his manhood defenseless on a daily basis in a world full flying projectiles goes beyond just baseball. 

First, he’s brought shame upon his family.  Being raised in the Dominican Republic, Beltre’s father raised prize winning (I swear I’m not making this up) cock fighters.  Yes, you read that right.  Beltre’s father worked for Matty Alou, raising the top roosters in Alou’s cockfighting business.  Now his son is on the shelf with this injury.  If Mr. Beltre still works, I don’t know how he faces his fellow cock handlers after this.

Second, what about Beltre’s poor wife and kids?  Beltre is married to his wife Sandra, and has a son and a daughter.  Fortunately, he was able to conceive before a tragedy like this occurred.  I guess there is a God.  But who’s to say that his wife didn’t want to have a third child?  (I know, in this economy, who really thinks about affording a third kid.  But something tells me the the Mariners pay well, so he should be fine.)  I suppose that Beltre didn’t think of this while he was leaving his bag unprotected while at the bag.  

Finally, what about the uninjured testicle, huh?  Who sticks up (hangs down?) for it?  Just think of how much harder that testicle will have to work to do whatever it is that testicles do inside your body, while the injured one is on the shelf.  Double-time effort for two weeks, or more, is a lot to ask of that body part.  Those guys aren’t that big, you know?

So in the end, let’s make sure that nothing shrivels up from Beltre’s experience.  Let this be a round lesson to us all men.  Whether you’re playing the hot corner at the major league level, or just a friendly game a whiffle ball with your kids, always the jewels most valuable.

And if you don’t believe that a whiffle ball can do some damage, ask those guys that wind up on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Fantasy Take:  DL stints have been par for the course this year for Beltre.  He’s only managed to stay healthy long enough to play in 82 games so far this season.  He’ll wind up playing in fewer games this year than he did in 2001, when a botched appendectomy basically hosed his entire season.  When healthy this year, Beltre has helped in the average department, hitting a solid .275.  But his power has been non-existent, hitting only five home runs and driving in a paltry 31 RBI.  You should’ve had Beltre benched already for most of this season, so just leave him there.

Wide Receivers Are Wimps

As I was putting together an injury column that I write for The Fantasy Football Trader (highly recommend this site), I noticed that most teams are just now playing their first preseason games this weekend, and already we have a large number of wide receiver injuries.  I guess the stereotype of the modern day wide receiver running his mouth more than running his windsprints and training is true.   Just look at this list of wimpy receivers that have already gone down:

Terrell Owens (sprained toe.  A freaking toe, really?); Steve Smith (shoulder); Brandon Marshall (hip, amongst other things); Antonio Bryant (torn meniscus); Mark Clayton (strained hamstring); Donnie Avery (broken foot); Braylon Edwards (out of shape, a.k.a. fat); Brandon Jones (shoulder); Anthony Gonzalez (hamstring); Mr. Kendra Wilson (a.k.a. Hank Baskett–knee); Harry Douglas (knee–done for season); Lance Moore (shoulder); Hines Ward (shoulder)

That’s just a list of the wide-outs that have some decent fantasy value.  I didn’t even bother with the likes of Demetrius Williams, Early Doucet, etc.

Good lord wide receivers, do some offseason workouts! 

Fantasy Take:  This early in camp, most of the injuries aren’t that significant and most likely are the result of overly cautious coaches/organizations.  But some that are more serious to keep an eye on:  Steve Smith, Antonio Bryant, Donnie Avery, Anthony Gonzalez

God Hates The Mets

This chick helps me ward off injury.

Sorry to break it to you Met fan, but God hates your team.  How else can you explain the injury situation?  For goodness sake, even Hawkeye and Hot Lips Hoolihan are thinking of coming out of retirement to help out this M.A.S.H. unit. 

Here’s the carnage:

Carlos Delgado (out since Apr 5) with hip surgery.  I will kindly refrain from the old man and hip jokes.  It’s just too easy.  I like a challenge.

Jose Reyes (out since May 16) with hammy issue.  Just had another MRI that revealed a ton of scar tissue that will continue to keep him out.

J.J. Putz (out since June 5) with elbow surgery.

John Maine (out since June 12) with “shoulder weakness”, which is a “weak” diagnosis if you ask me.  You might has well say he has “spaghetti arm”.

Carlos Beltran (out since June 22) with a knee problem.

Fernando Martinez (out since Jul 9) with knee surgery.

Fernando Nieve (out for season) with a hamstring that exploded like an M-80 while he was trying to cover 1st base.  Then just to add insult to injuries, God decided to replay that with a different actor.  Tonight Jon Niese’s (out for season) hamstring exploded like a bad fart after cheap Mexican food while…yep, you guessed it, trying to cover 1st base.

Luis Castillo (out since Aug 4) with an ankle sprain that he got walking down the dugout steps.  Uh, what?  Are you kidding me?  He hurt his ankle walking into the dugout?  If I were the Mets, I think I would have to come up with something a little more manly.  For Chrissake, just tell the media that he hurt it on the field somehow.  Save some face for the organization.

Gary Sheffield (reinjured tonight) hammy injury.  I don’t even have a joke here.  The Mets were not only playing with fire and injury when they picked up Sheff, but they were pouring starter fuel on the pile.  I don’t want to say they deserved this one…but, they deserved  this one.

Fantasy Take:  Stay away from the Mets altogether.  There are no firm return dates for any of these guys.  If they come back anytime soon, there isn’t enough season left for them to be any real help, and they probably will reinjure themselves.

The only Met who hasn’t received the injury bug this year has been David Wrght.  He obviously has made a deal with devil. Or God just really appreciates his own work with the lovely lady that David is with in that picture.

LenDale White Has An Alcohol Problem

Whew! I'll lose all this weight as soon as I get off that Patron!

Tennessee Titans running back LenDale White recently showed up at Training Camp 30 lbs. lighter.  He attributed that weight loss to a change in his diet.  Well, if you want to call it a “diet”.

Apparently, “fatdale”, err LenDale said the change in his diet was that he dropped all the tequila drinking.  He’s on the wagon, I guess you could say. 

No offense, but there is no way that cutting out tequila from your diet can help you drop 30 freaking pounds.  My guess is that he finally stopped with the drunken late night runs to the fast food joints that was caused by the Patron.

But let us, for the sake of argument, agree with LenDale.  If you, Mr. White, were drinking enough to be packing on an extra 30 lbs. of Patron on an everyday basis, you sir, had a serious drinking problem.  I would like to check your wallet.  Not for cash, but for the AA card that you are undoubtedly carrying.

My guess is that you either cut out the massive consumption of crap food (probable) and just didn’t want to let the organization know what terrible nutrition (if you can call it that) habits you had.  Or you were at Betty Ford, and you don’t want to let the public know that you had a drinking problem.

Either way, I’m not buying the Patron diet story LenDale.

Fantasy Take:  Some say that LenDale will be faster and more powerful.   I don’t buy it.  You lose that much weight, the style of running that a back does will be altered.  And no matter how much weight he loses, he’ll never be as fast as Chris Johnson.  Therefore, White’s value will always be limited.  Do not, under any circumstances, bump White up on your draft board.