Beltre of the Ball(less)

Cups aren't just for drinking out of

There once was a man from Nantucket.  Who had a….nevermind.   That’s the wrong limerick, wrong appendage and not at all appropriate for public consumption.  However; for one particular third baseman playing in the “Emerald City”, wearing a cup at the hot corner wasn’t for his consumption either.

Now he’s lost a family jewel.  And I’m not talking about grandma’s ruby ring.

Seattle third baseman Adrian Beltre eschews wearing a protective cup, eventhough he plays a position where only the pitcher is closer to the hitter.  Considering that a normal fastball heads toward the hitter at 90mph or higher, only to return to the field of play off a bat at well over 100mph, Beltre’s cupless decision doesn’t exactly make him the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Placing Beltre’s overall intelligence about the well-being of his personal balls aside, not protecting ”the boys” finally caught up to him this week. 

To put this delicately (something the batted ball had no interest in), Beltre was, how shall I say this…”clipped” (snipped?) in the man region with a shot during Wednesday’s game.  He has had to be placed on the 15-day DL since.  There was some mention of tearing and internal bleeding (cue groaning from every male reading this), but let’s not dwell on that.  Apparently Beltre will avoid surgery.  Well, I guess that’s something! 

To be fair, if I had taken a 100+mph shot to the nether world, I’d be on the shelf a LOT longer than 15 days.  More like a lifetime.  I’d probably just crawl off the field and never return.  So kudos to Beltre there.

But beyond costing his team his services for two weeks, Beltre’s decision to leave his manhood defenseless on a daily basis in a world full flying projectiles goes beyond just baseball. 

First, he’s brought shame upon his family.  Being raised in the Dominican Republic, Beltre’s father raised prize winning (I swear I’m not making this up) cock fighters.  Yes, you read that right.  Beltre’s father worked for Matty Alou, raising the top roosters in Alou’s cockfighting business.  Now his son is on the shelf with this injury.  If Mr. Beltre still works, I don’t know how he faces his fellow cock handlers after this.

Second, what about Beltre’s poor wife and kids?  Beltre is married to his wife Sandra, and has a son and a daughter.  Fortunately, he was able to conceive before a tragedy like this occurred.  I guess there is a God.  But who’s to say that his wife didn’t want to have a third child?  (I know, in this economy, who really thinks about affording a third kid.  But something tells me the the Mariners pay well, so he should be fine.)  I suppose that Beltre didn’t think of this while he was leaving his bag unprotected while at the bag.  

Finally, what about the uninjured testicle, huh?  Who sticks up (hangs down?) for it?  Just think of how much harder that testicle will have to work to do whatever it is that testicles do inside your body, while the injured one is on the shelf.  Double-time effort for two weeks, or more, is a lot to ask of that body part.  Those guys aren’t that big, you know?

So in the end, let’s make sure that nothing shrivels up from Beltre’s experience.  Let this be a round lesson to us all men.  Whether you’re playing the hot corner at the major league level, or just a friendly game a whiffle ball with your kids, always the jewels most valuable.

And if you don’t believe that a whiffle ball can do some damage, ask those guys that wind up on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Fantasy Take:  DL stints have been par for the course this year for Beltre.  He’s only managed to stay healthy long enough to play in 82 games so far this season.  He’ll wind up playing in fewer games this year than he did in 2001, when a botched appendectomy basically hosed his entire season.  When healthy this year, Beltre has helped in the average department, hitting a solid .275.  But his power has been non-existent, hitting only five home runs and driving in a paltry 31 RBI.  You should’ve had Beltre benched already for most of this season, so just leave him there.