Award Winner

This article originally appeared in October 2008 on The Fantasy Football Trader website.  It won the 2008 Fantasy Sports Writers Association Best Humor Article of the Year award.  For more Quick H.I.T.S. columns, please go to www.fantasyfootballtrader.com.

Quick H.I.T.S-October 22, 2008

I don’t like themes. 

 

I didn’t like studying them in English.  I’m not into humming television themes (although I admit, I do know a few).  And God, don’t get me started on prom themes.  I have always found them to be cheesy.  So I try to avoid them in my columns.  But sometimes they just can’t be avoided.

 

In doing my research for this week’s column, one particular theme kept beating me over the head like a sledge hammer until I finally submitted.  It would not be denied.

 

Without further ado, welcome to the “All Suspension” edition of H.I.T.S.!

 

Infected Balls?

 

In last week’s column, I wrote about TE Kellen Winslow’s “mysterious illness” that hospitalized him for several days, causing him to miss the game versus the Giants.  It was leaked at the time that it was swollen testicles.  Many jokes were made, I assure you.  This Monday following a loss to the Redskins, Winslow made it known that it was a staph infection he contracted.  He then threw GM Phil Savage and coach Romeo Crennel under the bus for allegedly telling him to keep that news quiet, and suffer with the erroneous swollen nuts story that was in the media.  Why?  Well, it appears that Winslow is the sixth Brown to contract a staph infection in less than three years.  Worse, the team kept the news from the other players.  So now, some other player could contract an infection unknowingly.  Multiple infections, swollen nuts and sweeping medical history under the rug, can only make me ask one thing:  What in the hell are they doing in the Cleveland Browns locker room?  And more importantly, are the Browns too poor to afford a proper cleaning service?

 

Fantasy Take: Winslow has been suspended for this week’s game by the organization.  So it appears that Steve Heiden will get another start; however, he doesn’t have the greatest of matchups against a good Jacksonville defense that is rested and coming off a bye.  Winslow has filed a grievance that will be heard either Friday or Saturday, so there is still a chance that he could play on Sunday.  But it is a slim one.  Winslow should return next week.  For those of you in dynasty leagues, take note:  This dispute, plus several other factors, led the Browns to dangle Winslow at the trading deadline.  He wants a new contract and the Browns already drafted their TE of the future, Martin Rucker.   Look for Winslow to be wearing a different uniform next year.

 

Spitting Isn’t Just For Llamas

 

Larry Johnson was arrested last week for spitting in a woman’s face at a Kansas City nightclub during an altercation.  It’s the fourth time in five years that he’s run afoul of the law with women.  Seriously?  It’s 2008 and America might just be progressive enough to elect its first African-American president in a few weeks, and yet L.J. is spitting on women like an animal.  What’s next L.J.?  Flinging your own poo like a chimp?  Good God, get help man.

 

Fantasy Take: Coach Herm Edwards announced that L.J. will be suspended for at least this Sunday.  It will be the second game in a row that Johnson has missed due to suspension, as he was suspended last week for team violations.  I don’t think L.J. will see the field again for some time.  Things have been bad between him and the organization for awhile now.  Although Kolby Smith is in the mix, Jamaal Charles would be the back I would take a flyer on in K.C.  However, there are only about 3 matchups left in the season I would consider using Charles.  And one of those comes after most fantasy seasons are over.

 

Jonesing for Coke (Not the Soda)

 

In one of the Training Camp incarnations of this column, I wrote about Matt Jones getting arrested for snorting cocaine in his car in Arkansas.  Apparently, the league hadn’t forgotten that little transgression.  They have recently notified the Jaguars receiver that he will be receiving a three-game suspension for violating the league’s substance abuse policy.  I’m going to take a wild guess that a pee-in-the-cup test was not needed in this case.

 

Fantasy Take: As strange as this is going to sound, this is actually news in the fantasy world.  Jones has been the best receiver that Garrard has had thus far.  He’s only hit paydirt once, but in PPR leagues, he’s been terrific.  There has been only one game that he has caught less than five balls.  Jones is set to play this week vs. Cleveland, and his suspension won’t start until next week at the earliest.  Start looking for his replacement now, getting ahead of the game.  I would suggest taking a look at Donnie Avery, if he’s available.  But that’s just me.

 

The Ultimate Suspension

 

Yeah, I guess if you were a top-rated NFL quarterback that went to prison for dogfighting, that would indeed be the ultimate suspension.  Reports surfaced this week that Mike is planning on pleading guilty to the state dogfighting charges, which would allow him to serve the rest of his federal sentence in a halfway house, along with an extra year of probation attached.  This would allow him to then be available for the start of NFL Training Camps next season.  Let me get this straight.  The man pleads guilty for a second time and it actually helps his career?  You gotta love the American judicial system, huh?

 

Fantasy Take:  Obviously, it has no bearing on this season whatsoever.  However, if you wanted to take the ultimate risk in dynasty leagues, it’s something to keep an eye on.  Having Vick back in the league in 2009 in some capacity could be interesting, both for the league and the fantasy world.